ond paste；〃 she explained to lyra； who was looking confused。
lyra said； 〃ah！ marchpane！〃 and settled back fortably to hear what happened next。
〃anyway；〃 mary went on。 〃i remembered the taste； and all at once i was back tasting it for the first time as a young girl。
〃i was twelve years old。 i was at a party at the house of one of my friends； a birthday party； and there was a disco； thats where they play music on a kind of recording machine and people dance；〃 she explained； seeing lyras puzzlement。 〃usually girls dance together because the boys are too shy to ask them。 but this boy； i didnt know him； he asked me to dance； and so we had the first dance and then the next； and by that time we were talking。。。 and you know what it is when you like someone； you know it at once； well； i liked him such a lot。 and we kept on talking and then there was a birthday cake。 and he took a bit of marzipan and he just gently put it in my mouth； i remember trying to smile； and blushing； and feeling so foolish； and i fell in love with him just for that； for the gentle way he touched my lips with the marzipan。〃
as mary said that； lyra felt something strange happen to her body。 she felt as if she had been handed the key to a great house she hadnt known was there； a house that was somehow inside her； and as she turned the key； she felt other doors opening deep in the darkness； and lights ing on。 she sat trembling as mary went on：
〃and i think it was at that party； or it might have been at another one； that we kissed each other for the first time。 it was in a garden； and there was the sound of music from inside； and the quiet and the cool among the trees； and i was aching； all my body was aching for him； and i could tell he felt the same； and we were both almost too shy to move。 almost。 but one of us did and then without any interval between； it was like a quantum leap； suddenly； we were kissing each other； and oh； it was more than china； it was paradise。
〃we saw each other about half a dozen times； no more。 and then his parents moved away and i never saw him again。 it was such a sweet time； so short。。。 but there it was。 id known it。 i had been to china。〃
it was the strangest thing： lyra knew exactly what she meant； and half an hour earlier she would have had no idea at all。 and inside her； that rich house with all its doors open and all its rooms lit stood waiting； quiet； expectant。
〃and at half past nine in the evening at that restaurant table in portugal；〃 mary continued； 〃someone gave me a piece of marzipan and it all came back。 and i thought： am i really going to spend the rest of my life without ever feeling that again？ i thought： i want to go to china。 its full of treasures and strangeness and mystery and joy。 i thought； will anyone be better off if i go straight back to the hotel and say my prayers and confess to the priest and promise never to fall into temptation again？ will anyone be the better for making me miserable？
〃and the answer came back； no。 no one will。 theres no one to fret； no one to condemn； no one to bless me for being a good girl； no one to punish me for being wicked。 heaven was empty。 i didnt know whether god had died； or whether there never had been a god at all。 either way i felt free and lonely and i didnt know whether i was happy or unhappy； but something very strange had happened。 and all that huge change came about as i had the marzipan in my mouth； before id even swallowed it。 a taste； a memory； a landslide。。。
〃when i did swallow it and looked at the man across the table； i could tell he knew something had happened。 i couldnt tell him there and then； it was still too strange and private almost for me。 but later on we went for a walk along the beach in the dark； and the warm night breeze kept stirring my hair about； and the atlantic was being very well…behaved； little quiet waves around our feet。。。
〃and i took the crucifix from around my neck and i threw it in the sea。 that was it。 all over。 gone。
〃so that was how i stopped being a nun；〃 she said。
〃was that man the same one that found out about the skulls？〃 lyra said after a moment。
〃oh； no。 the skull man was dr。 payne； oliver payne。 he came along much later。 no； the man at the conference was called alfredo montale。 he was very different。〃
〃did you kiss him？〃
〃well；〃 said mary； smiling； 〃yes； but not then。〃
〃was it hard to leave the church？〃 said will。
〃in one way it was； because everyone was so disappointed。 everyone； from the mother superior to the priests to my parents； they were so upset and reproachful。。。 i felt as if something they all passionately believed in depended on me carrying on with something i didnt。
〃but in another way it was easy； because it made sense。 for the first time ever i felt i was doing something with all of my nature and not only a part of it。 so it was lonely for a while； but then i got used to it。〃
〃did you marry him？〃 said lyra。
〃no。 i didnt marry anyone。 i lived with someone； not alfredo； someone else。 i lived with him for four years； nearly。 my family was scandalized。 but then we decided wed be happier not living together。 so im on my own。 the man i lived with used to like mountain climbing； and he taught me to climb； and i walk in the mountains and。。。 and ive got my work。 well； i had my work。 so im solitary but happy； if you see what i mean。〃
〃what was the boy called？〃 said lyra。 〃at the party？〃
〃tim。〃
〃what did he look like？〃
〃oh。。。 nice。 thats all i remember。〃
〃when i first saw you； in your oxford；〃 lyra said； 〃you said one of the reasons you became a scientist was that you wouldnt have to think about good and evil。 did you think about them when you were a nun？〃
〃hmm。 no。 but i knew what i should think： it was whatever the church taught me to think。 and when i did science； i had to think about other things altogether。 so i never had to think about them for myself at all。〃
〃but do you now？〃 said will。
〃i think i have to；〃 mary said； trying to he accurate。
〃when you stopped believing in god；〃 he went on； 〃did you stop believing in good and evil？〃
〃no。 but i stopped believing there was a power of good and a power of evil that were outside us。 and i came to believe that good and evil are names for what people do； not for what they are。 all we can say is that this is a good deed； because it helps someone； or thats an evil one； because it hurts them。 people are too plicated to have simple labels。〃
〃yes；〃 said lyra firmly。
〃did you miss god？〃 asked will。
〃yes；〃 mary said； 〃terribly。 and i still do。 and what i miss most is the sense of being connected to the whole of the universe。 i used to feel i was connected to god like that； and because he was there； i was connected to the whole of his creation。 but if hes not there； then。。。〃
far out on the marshes； a bird called with a long； melancholy series of falling tones。 embers settled in the fire； the grass was stirring faintly with the night breeze。 atal seemed to be dozing like a cat； her wheels flat on the grass beside her； her legs folded under her body； eyes half…closed； attention half…there and half…elsewhere。 will was lying on his back； eyes open to the stars。
as for lyra； she hadnt moved a muscle since that strange thing had happened； and she held the memory of the sensation inside her。 she didnt know what it was； or what it meant； or where it had e
from； so she sat hugging her knees； and tried to stop herself from trembling。 soon； she thought； soon ill know。
mary was tired； she had run out of stories。 no doubt shed think of more tomorrow。
/d/
THIRTY…FOUR … THERE IS NOW
：
mary couldnt sleep。 every time she closed her eyes； something made her sway and lurch as if she were at the brink of a precipice； and she snapped awake； tense with fear。
this happened three； four； five times； until she realized that sleep was not going to e； so she got up and dressed quietly； and stepped out of the house and away from the tree with its tentlike branches under which will and lyra were sleeping。
the moon was bright and high in the sky。 there was a lively wind； and the great landscape was mottled with cloud…shadows； moving； mary thought； like the migration of some herd of unimaginable beasts。 but animals migrated for a purpose； when you saw herds of reindeer moving across the tundra； or wildebeest crossing the savanna； you knew they were going where the food was； or to places where it was good to mate and bear offspring。 their movement had a meaning。 these clouds were moving as the result of pure chance； the effect of utterly random events at the level of atoms and molecules； their shadows speeding over the grassland had no meaning at all。
nevertheless； they looked as if they did。 they looked tense and driven with purpose。 the whole night did。 mary felt it； too； except that she didnt know what that purpose was。 but unlike her； the clouds seemed to know what they were doing and why； and the wind knew； and the grass knew。 the entire world was alive and conscious。
mary climbed the slope and looked back across the marshes； where the ining tide laced a brilliant silver through the glistening dark of the mudflats and the reed beds。 the cloud…shadows were very clear down there； they looked