安妮日记- 第49部分

yours；　anne　

m。　frank

tuesday；　april　25；　1944

dearest　kitty；

for　the　last　ten　days　dussel　hasnt　been　on　speaking　terms　with　mr。　van　daan；　and　all　because　of　the　new　security　measures　since　the　break…in。　one　of　these　was　that　hes　no　longer　allowed　to　go　downstairs　in　the　evenings。　peter　and　mr。　van　daan　make　the　last　round　every　night　at　nine…thirty；　and　after　that　no　one　may　go　downstairs。　we　cant　flush　the　toilet　anymore　after　eight　at　night　or　after　eight　in　the　morning。　the　windows　may　be　opened　only　in　the　morning　when　the　lights　go　on　in　mr。　kuglers　office；　and　they　can　no　longer　be　propped　open　with　a　stick　at　night。　this　last　measure　is　the　reason　for　dussels　sulking。　he　claims　that　mr。　van　daan　bawled　him　out；　but　he　has　only　himself　to　blame。　he　says　hed　rather　live　without　food　than　without　air；　and　that　they　simply　must　figure　out　a　way　to　keep　the　windows　open。

〃ill　have　to　speak　to　mr。　kugler　about　this；〃　he　said　to　me。

i　replied　that　we　never　discussed　matters　of　this　sort　with　mr。　kugler；　only　within　the　group。

〃everythings　always　happening　behind　my　back。　ill　have　to　talk　to　your　father　about　that。”

hes　also　not　allowed　to　sit　in　mr。　kuglers　office　anymore　on　saturday　afternoons　or　sundays；　because　the　manager　of　kegs　might　hear　him　if　he　happens　to　be　next　door。

dussel　promptly　went　and　sat　there　anyway。　mr。　van　daan　was　furious；　and　father　went　downstairs　to　talk　to　dussel；　who　came　up　with　some　flimsy　excuse；　but　even　father　didnt　fall　for　it　this　time。　now　fathers　keep…　ing　his　dealings　with　dussel　to　a　minimum　because　dussel　insulted　him。　not　one　of　us　knows　what　he　said；　but　it　must　have　been　pretty　awful。

and　to　think　that　that　miserable　man　has　his　birthday　next　week。　how　can　you　celebrate　your　birthday　when　youve　got　the　sulks；　how　can　you　accept　gifts　from　people　you　wont　even　talk　to？

mr。　voskuijl　is　going　downhill　rapidly。　for　more　than　ten　days　hes　had　a　temperature　of　almost　a　hundred　and　four。　the　doctor　said　his　condition　is　hopeless；　they　think　the　cancer　has　spread　to　his　lungs。　the　poor　man；　wed　so　like　to　help　him；　but　only　god　can　help　him　now！

ive　written　an　amusing　story　called　〃blurry　the　explorer；〃　which　was　a　big　hit　with　my　three　listeners。

i　still　have　a　bad　cold　and　have　passed　it　on　to　margot；　as　well　as　mother　and　father。

if　only　peter　doesnt　get　it。　he　insisted　on　a　kiss；　and　called　me　his　el　dorado。　you　cant　call　a　person　that；　silly　boy！　but　hes　sweet　anyway！

yours；　anne　

m。　frank

thursday；　april　27；　1944

dearest　kitty；

mrs。　van　d。　was　in　a　bad　mood　this　morning。　all　she　did　was　plain；　first　about　her　cold；　not　being　able　to　get　cough　drops　and　the　agony　of　having　to　blow　her　nose　all　the　time。　next　she　grumbled　that　the　sun　wasnt　shining；　the　invasion　hadnt　started；　we　werent　allowed　to　look　out　the　windows；　etc。；　etc。　we　couldnt　help　but　laugh　at　her；　and　it　couldnt　have　been　that　bad；　since　she　soon　joined　in。

our　recipe　for　potato　kugel；　modified　due　to　lack　of　onions：

put　peeled　potatoes　through　a　food　mill　and　add　a　little　dry　government…issue　flour　and　salt。　grease　a　mold　or　ovenproof　dish　with　paraffin　or　stearin　and　bake　for　21/2　hours。　serve　with　rotten　strawberry　pote。　（onions　not　available。　nor　oil　for　mold　or　dough！）

at　the　moment　im　reading　emperor　charles　v；　written　by　a　professor　at　the　university　of　gottingen；　hes　spent　forty　years　working　on　this　book。　it　took　me　five　days　to　read　fifty　pages。　i　cant　do　any　more　than　that。　since　the　book　has　598　pages；　you　can　figure　out　just　how　long　its　going　to　take　me。　and　thats　not　even　counting　the　second　volume。　but。　。　。　very　interesting！

the　things　a　schoolgirl　has　to　do　in　the　course　of　a　single　day！　take　me；　for　example。　first；　i　translated　a　passage　on　nelsons　last　battle　from　dutch　into　english。

then；　i　read　more　about　the　northern　war　（1700…21）　involving　peter　the　great；　charles　xii；　augustus　the　strong；　stanislaus　leczinsky；　mazeppa；　von　gorz；　bran…　denburg；　western　pomerania；　eastern　pomerania　and　denmark；　plus　the　usual　dates。

next；　i　wound　up　in　brazil；　where　i　read　about　bahia　tobacco；　the　abundance　of　coffee；　the　one　and　a　half　million　inhabitants　of　rio　de　janeiro；　pernambuco　and　sao　paulo　and；　last　but　not　least；　the　amazon　river。　then　about　negroes；　mulattoes；　mestizos；　whites；　the　illiteracy　rate　……　over　50　percent　……　and　malaria。　since　i　had　some　time　left；　i　glanced　through　a　genealogical　chart：　john　the　old；　william　louis；　ernest　casimir　i；　henry　casimir　i；　right　up　to　little　margriet　franciska　（born　in　1943　in

ottawa）。

twelve　oclock：　i　resumed　my　studies　in　the　attic；　reading　about　deans；　priests；　ministers；　popes　and　。　。　。　whew；　it　was　one　oclock！

at　two　the　poor　child　（ho　hum）　was　back　at　work。　old　world　and　new　world　monkeys　were　next。　kitty；　tell　me　quickly；　how　many　toes　does　a　hippopotamus　have？

then　came　the　bible；　noahs　ark；　shem；　ham　and　japheth。　after　that；　charles　v。

then；　with　peter；　thack…　erays　book　about　the　colonel；　in　english。　a　french　test；　and　then　a　parison　between　the　mississippi　and　the　missouri！

enough　for　today。　adieu！

yours；　anne　

m。　frank

friday；　april　28；　1944

dearest　kitty；

ive　never　forgotten　my　dream　of　peter　schiff　（see　the　beginning　of　january）。　even　now　i　can　still　feel　his　cheek　against　mine；　and　that　wonderful　glow　that　made　up　for　all　the　rest。　once　in　a　while　id　had　the　same　feeling　with　this　peter；　but　never　so　intensely。　。　。　until　last　night。　we　were　sitting　on　the　divan；　as　usual；　in　each　others　arms。　suddenly　the　everyday　anne　slipped　away　and　the　second　anne　took　her　place。

the　second　anne；　whos　never　overconfident　or　amusing；　but　wants　only　to　love　and　be　gentle。

i　sat　pressed　against　him　and　felt　a　wave　of　emotion　e　over　me。　tears　rushed　to　my　eyes；　those　from　the　left　fell　on　his　overalls；　while　those　from　the　right　trickled　down　my　nose　and　into　the　air　and　landed　beside　the　first。　did　he　notice？　he　made　no　movement　to　show　that　he　had。　did　he　feel　the　same　way　i　did？　he　hardly　said　a　word。　did　he　realize　he　had　two　annes　at　his　side？　my　questions　went　unanswered。

at　eight…thirty　i　stood　up　and　went　to　the　window；　where　we　always　say　good…bye。　i　was　still　trembling；　i　was　still　anne　number　two。　he　came　over　to　me；　and　i　threw　my　arms　around　his　neck　and　kissed　him　on　his　left　cheek。　i　was　about　to　kiss　the　other　cheek　when　my　mouth　met　his；　and　we　pressed　our　lips　together。　in　a　daze；　we　embraced；　over　and　over　again；　never　to　stop；　oh！

peter　needs　tenderness。　for　the　first　time　in　his　life　hes　discovered　a　girl；　for　the

first　time　hes　seen　that　even　the　biggest　pests　also　have　an　inner　self　and　a　heart；　and　are　transformed　as　soon　as　theyre　alone　with　you。　for　the　first　time　in　his　life　hes　given　himself　and　his　friendship　to　another　person。　hes　never　had　a　friend　before；　boy　or　girl。　now　weve　found　each　other。　i；　for　that　matter；　didnt　know　him　either；　had　never　had　someone　i　could　confide　in；　and　its　led　to　this　。　。　。

the　same　question　keeps　nagging　me：　〃is　it　right？〃　is　it　right　for　me　to　yield　so　soon；　for　me　to　be　so　passionate；　to　be　filled　with　as　much　passion　and　desire　as　peter？

can　i；　a　girl；　allow　myself　to　go　that　far？

theres　only　one　possible　answer：　〃im　longing　so　much。　。　。　and　have　for　such　a　long　time。　im　so　lonely　and　now　ive　found　fort！”

in　the　mornings　we　act　normally；　in　the　afternoons　too；　except　now　and　then。　but　in　the　evenings　the　suppressed　longing　of　the　entire　day；　the　happiness　and　the　bliss　of　all　the　times　before　e　rushing　to　the　surface；　and　all　we　can　think　about　is　each　other。　every　night；　after　our　last　kiss；　i　feel　like　running　away　and　never　looking　him　in　the　eyes　again。　away；　far　away　into　the　darkness　and　alone！

and　what　awaits　me　at　the　bottom　of　those　fourteen　stairs？　bright　lights；　questions　and　laughter。　i　have　to　act　normally　and　hope　they　dont　notice　anything。

my　heart　is　still　too　tender　to　be　able　to　recover　so　quickly　from　a　shock　like　the　one　i　had　last　night。　the　gentle　anne　makes　infrequent　appearances；　and　shes　not　about　to　let　herself　be　shoved　out　the　door　so　soon　after　shes　arrived。　peters　reached　a　part　of　me　that　no　one　has　ever　reached　before；　except　in　my　dream！　hes　taken　hold　of　me　and　turned　me　inside　out。　doesnt　everyone　need　a　little　quiet　time　to　put　themselves　to　rights　again？　oh；　peter；　what　have　you　done　to　me？　what　do　you　want　from　me？

where　will　this　lead？　oh；　now　i　understand　bep。　now；　now　that　im　going　through　it　myself；　i　understand　her　doubts；　if　i　were　older　and　he　wanted　to　marry　me；　what　would　my　answer　be？　anne；　be　honest！　you　wouldnt　be　able　to　marry　him。　but　its　so　hard　to　let　go。　peter　still　has　too　little　character；　too　little　willpower；　too　little　courage　and　strength。　hes　still　a　child；　emotionally　no　older　than　i　am；　all　he　wants　is　happiness　and　peace　of　mind。　am　i　really　only　fourteen？　am　i　really　just　a　silly　schoolgirl？　am　i　really　so　inexperienced　in　everything？　i　have　more　experience　than　most；　ive　experienced　something　almost　no　one　my　age　ever　has。

im　afraid　of　myself；　afraid　my　longing　is　making　me　yield　too　soon。　how　can　it　ever　go　right　with　other　boys　later　on？　oh；　its　so　hard；　the　eternal　struggle　between　heart

and　mind