itchen for the next half hour。 he considers this measure to be sufficient。 mr。 van d。 takes his bath upstairs； figuring that the safety of his own room outweighs the difficulty of having to carry the hot water up all those stairs。 mrs。 van d。 has yet to take a bath； shes waiting to see which is the best place。 father bathes in the private office and mother in the kitchen behind a fire screen； while margot and i have declared the front office to be our bathing grounds。 since the curtains are drawn on saturday afternoon； we scrub ourselves in the dark； while the one who isnt in the bath looks out the window through a chink in the curtains and gazes in wonder at the endlessly amusing people。
a week ago i decided i didnt like this spot and have been on the lookout for more fortable bathing quarters。 it was peter who gave me the idea of setting my washtub in the spacious office bathroom。 i can sit down； turn on the light； lock the door； pour out the water without anyones help； and all without the fear of being seen。
i used my lovely bathroom for the first time on sunday and； strange as it may seem； i like it better than any other place。
the plumber was at work downstairs on wednesday； moving the water pipes and drains from the office bathroom to the hallway so the pipes wont freeze during a cold winter。 the plumbers visit was far from pleasant。 not only were we not allowed to run water during the day； but the bathroom was also off…limits。 ill tell you how we handled this problem； you may find it unseemly of me to bring it up； but im not so prudish about matters of this kind。 on the day of our arrival； father and i improvised a chamber pot； sacrificing a canning jar for this purpose。 for the duration of the plumbers visit； canning jars were put into service during the daytime to hold our calls of nature。 as far as i was concerned； this wasnt half as difficult as having to sit still all day and not say a word。 you can imagine how hard that was for miss quack； quack； quack。 on ordinary days we have to speak in a whisper； not being able to talk or move at all is ten times worse。
after three days of constant sitting； my backside was stiff and sore。 nightly calisthenics helped。
yours； anne
．．
NOVEMBER； 1942
～
monday； november 2； 1942
dear kitty；
bep stayed with us friday evening。 it was fun； but she didnt sleep very well because shed drunk some wine。 for the rest； theres nothing special to report。 i had an awful headache yesterday and went to bed early。 margots being exasperating again。
this morning i began sorting out an index card file from the office； because itd fallen over and gotten all mixed up。 before long i was going nuts。 i asked margot and peter to help； but they were too lazy； so i put it away。
im not crazy enough to do it all by myself！
anne frank
ps。 i forgot to mention the important news that im probably going to get my period soon。 i can tell because i keep finding a whitish smear in my panties； and mother predicted it would start soon。 i can hardly wait。 its such a momentous event。 too bad i cant use sanitary napkins； but you cant get them anymore； and mamas tampons can be used only by women whove had a baby。 i ment added by anne on january 22； 1944： i wouldnt be able to write that kind of thing anymore。
now that im rereading my diary after a year and a half； im surprised at my childish innocence。 deep down i know i could never be that innocent again； however much id like to be。 i can understand the mood chanaes and the ments about margot； mother and father as if id written them only yesterday； but i cant imagine writina so openly about other matters。 it embarrasses me areatly to read the panes dealina with subjects that i remembered as beina nicer than they actually were。 my descriptions are so indelicate。 but enouah of that。
i can also understand my homesickness and yearning for moortje。 the whole time ive been here ive longed unconsciously and at times consciously for trust； love and
physical affection。 this longing may change in intensity； but its always there。
thursday； november 5； 1942
dear kitty；
the british have finally scored a few successes in africa and stalingrad hasnt fallen yet； so the men are happy and we had coffee and tea this morning。 for the rest； nothing special to report。
this week ive been reading a lot and doing little work。 thats the way things ought to be。 thats surely the road to success。
mother and i are getting along better lately； but were never close。 fathers not very open about his feelings； but hes the same sweetheart hes always been。 we lit the stove a few days ago and the entire room is still filled with smoke。 i prefer central heating； and im probably not the only one。 margots a stinker （theres no other word for it）； a constant source of irritation； morning； noon and night。
anne frank
saturday； november 7； 1942
dearest kitty；
mothers nerves are very much on edge； and that doesnt bode well for me。 is it just a coincidence that father and mother never scold margot and always blame me for everything？ last night； for example； margot was reading a book with beautiful illustrations； she got up and put the book aside for later。 i wasnt doing anything； so i picked it up and began looking at the pictures。 margot carne back； saw 〃her〃 book in my hands； knitted her brow and angrily demanded the book back。 i wanted to look through it some more。 margot got madder by the minute； and mother butted in：
〃margot was reading that book； give it back to her。”
father came in； and without even knowing what was going on； saw that margot was being wronged and lashed out at me： 〃id like to see what youd do if margot was looking at one of your books！”
i promptly gave in； put the book down and； according to them； left the room in a huff。〃 i was neither huffy nor cross； but merely sad。
it wasnt right of father to pass judgment without knowing what the issue was。 i would have given the book to margot myself； and a lot sooner； if father and mother hadnt intervened and rushed to take margots part； as if she were suffering some great injustice。
of course； mother took margots side； they always take each others sides。 im so used to it that ive bee pletely indifferent to mothers rebukes and margots moodiness。 i love them； but only because theyre mother and margot。 i dont give a darn about them as people。 as far as im concerned； they can go jump in a lake。 its different with father。 when i see him being partial to margot； approving margots every action； praising her； hugging her； i feel a gnawing ache inside； because im crazy about him。 i model myself after father； and theres no one in the world i love more。
he doesnt realize that he treats margot differently than he does me： margot just happens to be the smartest； the kindest； the prettiest and the best。 but i have a right to be taken seriously too。 ive always been the clown and mischief maker of the family； ive always had to pay double for my sins： once with scoldings and then again with my own sense of despair。 im no longer satisfied with the meaningless affection or the supposedly serious talks。 i long for something from father that hes incapable of giving。 im not jealous of margot； i never have been。 im not envious of her brains or her beauty。 its just that id like to feel that father really loves me； not because im his child； but because im me； anne。
i cling to father because my contempt of mother is growing daily and its only through him that im able to retain the last ounce of family feeling i have left。 he doesnt understand that i sometimes need to vent my feelings for mother。 he doesnt want to talk about it； and he avoids any discussion involving mothers failings。 and yet mother； with all her shortings； is tougher for me to deal with。 i dont know how i should act。 i cant very well confront her with her carelessness； her sarcasm and her hard…heartedness； yet i cant continue to take the blame for everything。
im the opposite of mother； so of course we clash。 i dont mean to judge her； i dont have that right。 im simply looking at her as a mother。 shes not a mother to me …… i have to mother myself。 ive cut myself adrift from them。 im charting my own course； and well see where it leads me。 i have no choice； because i can picture what a mother and a wife should be and cant seem to find anything of the sort in the woman im supposed to call 〃mother。”
i tell myself time and again to overlook mothers bad example。 i only want to see her good points； and to look inside myself for whats lacking in her。 but it doesnt work； and the worst part is that father and mother dont realize their own inadequacies and how much i blame them for letting me down。 are there any parents who can make
their children pletely happy？
sometimes i think god is trying to test me； both now and in the future。 ill have to bee a good person on my own； without anyone to serve as a model or advise me； but itll make me stronger in the end。
who else but me is ever going to read these letters？ who else but me can i turn to for fort？ im frequently in need of consolation； i often feel weak； and more often than not； i fail to meet expectations。 i know this； and every day i resolve to do better。
they