Jane Eyre- 第74部分

but　besides　his　frequent　absences；　there　was　another　barrier　to　friendship　with　him：　he　seemed　of　a　reserved；　an　abstracted；　and　even　of　a　brooding　nature。　zealous　in　his　ministerial　labours；　blameless　in　his　life　and　habits；　he　yet　did　not　appear　to　enjoy　that　mental　serenity；　that　inward　content；　which　should　bet　he　reward　of　every　sincere　christian　and　practical　philanthropist。　often；　of　an　evening；　when　he　sat　at　the　window；　his　desk　and　papers　before　him；　he　would　cease　reading　or　writing；　rest　his　chin　on　his　hand；　and　deliver　himself　up　to　i　know　not　what　course　of　thought；　but　that　it　was　perturbed　and　exciting　might　be　seen　in　the　frequent　flash　and　changeful　dilation　of　his　eye。

i　think；　moreover；　that　nature　was　not　to　him　that　treasury　of　delight　it　was　to　his　sisters。　he　expressed　once；　and　but　once　in　my　hearing；　a　strong　sense　of　the　rugged　charm　of　the　hills；　and　an　inborn　affection　for　the　dark　roof　and　hoary　walls　he　called　his　home；　but　there　was　more　of　gloom　than　pleasure　in　the　tone　and　words　in　which　the　sentiment　was　manifested；　and　never　did　he　seem　to　roam　the　moors　for　the　sake　of　their　soothing　silence—never　seek　out　or　dwell　upon　the　thousand　peaceful　delights　they　could　yield。

inmunicative　as　he　was；　some　time　elapsed　before　i　had　an　opportunity　of　gauging　his　mind。　i　first　got　an　idea　of　its　calibre　when　i　heard　him　preach　in　his　own　church　at　morton。　i　wish　i　could　describe　that　sermon：　but　it　is　past　my　power。　i　cannot　even　render　faithfully　the　effect　it　produced　on　me。

it　began　calm—and　indeed；　as　far　as　delivery　and　pitch　of　voice　went；　it　was　calm　to　the　end：　an　earnestly　felt；　yet　strictly　restrained　zeal　breathed　soon　in　the　distinct　accents；　and　prompted　the　nervous　language。　this　grew　to　force—pressed；　condensed；　controlled。　the　heart　was　thrilled；　the　mind　astonished；　by　the　power　of　the　preacher：　neither　were　softened。　throughout　there　was　a　strange　bitterness；　an　absence　of　consolatory　gentleness；　stern　allusions　to　calvinistic　doctrines—election；　predestination；　reprobation—were　frequent；　and　each　reference　to　these　points　sounded　like　a　sentence　pronounced　for　doom。　when　he　had　done；　instead　of　feeling　better；　calmer；　more　enlightened　by　his　discourse；　i　experienced　an　inexpressible　sadness；　for　it　seemed　to　me—i　know　not　whether　equally　so　to　others—that　the　eloquence　to　which　i　had　been　listening　had　sprung　from　a　depth　where　lay　turbid　dregs　of　disappointment—where　moved　troubling　impulses　of　insatiate　yearnings　and　disquieting　aspirations。　i　was　sure　st。　john　rivers—　pure…lived；　conscientious；　zealous　as　he　was—had　not　yet　found　that　peace　of　god　which　passeth　all　understanding：　he　had　no　more　found　it；　i　thought；　than　had　i　with　my　concealed　and　racking　regrets　for　my　broken　idol　and　lost　elysium—regrets　to　which　i　have　latterly　avoided　referring；　but　which　possessed　me　and　tyrannised　over　me　ruthlessly。

meantime　a　month　was　gone。　diana　and　mary　were　soon　to　leave　moor　house；　and　return　to　the　far　different　life　and　scene　which　awaited　them；　as　governesses　in　a　large；　fashionable；　south…of…england　city；　where　each　held　a　situation　in　families　by　whose　wealthy　and　haughty　members　they　were　regarded　only　as　humble　dependants；　and　who　neither　knew　nor　sought　out　their　innate　excellences；　and　appreciated　only　their　acquired　acplishments　as　they　appreciated　the　skill　of　their　cook　or　the　taste　of　their　waiting…woman。　mr。　st。　john　had　said　nothing　to　me　yet　about　the　employment　he　had　promised　to　obtain　for　me；　yet　it　became　urgent　that　i　should　have　a　vocation　of　some　kind。　one　morning；　being　left　alone　with　him　a　few　minutes　in　the　parlour；　i　ventured　to　approach　the　window…recess—　which　his　table；　chair；　and　desk　consecrated　as　a　kind　of　study—and　i　was　going　to　speak；　though　not　very　well　knowing　in　what　words　to　frame　my　inquiry—for　it　is　at　all　times　difficult　to　break　the　ice　of　reserve　glassing　over　such　natures　as　his—when　he　saved　me　the　trouble　by　being　the　first　to　mence　a　dialogue。

looking　up　as　i　drew　near—“you　have　a　question　to　ask　of　me？”　he　said。

“yes；　i　wish　to　know　whether　you　have　heard　of　any　service　i　can　offer　myself　to　undertake？”

“i　found　or　devised　something　for　you　three　weeks　ago；　but　as　you　seemed　both　useful　and　happy　here—as　my　sisters　had　evidently　bee　attached　to　you；　and　your　society　gave　them　unusual　pleasure—i　deemed　it　inexpedient　to　break　in　on　your　mutual　fort　till　their　approaching　departure　from　marsh　end　should　render　yours　necessary。”

“and　they　will　go　in　three　days　now？”　i　said。

“yes；　and　when　they　go；　i　shall　return　to　the　parsonage　at　morton：　hannah　will　acpany　me；　and　this　old　house　will　be　shut　up。”

i　waited　a　few　moments；　expecting　he　would　go　on　with　the　subject　first　broached：　but　he　seemed　to　have　entered　another　train　of　reflection：　his　look　denoted　abstraction　from　me　and　my　business。　i　was　obliged　to　recall　him　to　a　theme　which　was　of　necessity　one　of　close　and　anxious　interest　to　me。

“what　is　the　employment　you　had　in　view；　mr。　rivers？　i　hope　this　delay　will　not　have　increased　the　difficulty　of　securing　it。”

“oh；　no；　since　it　is　in　employment　which　depends　only　on　me　to　give；　and　you　to　accept。”

he　again　paused：　there　seemed　a　reluctance　to　continue。　i　grew　impatient：　a　restless　movement　or　two；　and　an　eager　and　exacting　glance　fastened　on　his　face；　conveyed　the　feeling　to　him　as　effectually　as　words　could　have　done；　and　with　less　trouble。

“you　need　be　in　no　hurry　to　hear；”　he　said：　“let　me　frankly　tell　you；　i　have　nothing　eligible　or　profitable　to　suggest。　before　i　explain；　recall；　if　you　please；　my　notice；　clearly　given；　that　if　i　helped　you；　it　must　be　as　the　blind　man　would　help　the　lame。　i　am　poor；　for　i　find　that；　when　i　have　paid　my　father’s　debts；　all　the　patrimony　remaining　to　me　will　be　this　crumbling　grange；　the　row　of　scathed　firs　behind；　and　the　patch　of　moorish　soil；　with　the　yew…　trees　and　holly…bushes　in　front。　i　am　obscure：　rivers　is　an　old　name；　but　of　the　three　sole　descendants　of　the　race；　two　earn　the　dependant’s　crust　among　strangers；　and　the　third　considers　himself　an　alien　from　his　native　country—not　only　for　life；　but　in　death。　yes；　and　deems；　and　is　bound　to　deem；　himself　honoured　by　the　lot；　and　aspires　but　after　the　day　when　the　cross　of　separation　from　fleshly　ties　shall　be　laid　on　his　shoulders；　and　when　the　head　of　that　church…militant　of　whose　humblest　members　he　is　one；　shall　give　the　word；　‘rise；　follow　me！’”

st。　john　said　these　words　as　he　pronounced　his　sermons；　with　a　quiet；　deep　voice；　with　an　unflushed　cheek；　and　a　coruscating　radiance　of　glance。　he　resumed—

“and　since　i　am　myself　poor　and　obscure；　i　can　offer　you　but　a　service　of　poverty　and　obscurity。　you　may　even　think　it　degrading—　for　i　see　now　your　habits　have　been　what　the　world　calls　refined：　your　tastes　lean　to　the　ideal；　and　your　society　has　at　least　been　amongst　the　educated；　but　i　consider　that　no　service　degrades　which　can　better　our　race。　i　hold　that　the　more　arid　and　unreclaimed　the　soil　where　the　christian　labourer’s　task　of　tillage　is　appointed　him—the　scantier　the　meed　his　toil　brings—the　higher　the　honour。　his；　under　such　circumstances；　is　the　destiny　of　the　pioneer；　and　the　first　pioneers　of　the　gospel　were　the　apostles—their　captain　was　jesus；　the　redeemer；　himself。”

“well？”　i　said；　as　he　again　paused—“proceed。”

he　looked　at　me　before　he　proceeded：　indeed；　he　seemed　leisurely　to　read　my　face；　as　if　its　features　and　lines　were　characters　on　a　page。　the　conclusions　drawn　from　this　scrutiny　he　partially　expressed　in　his　succeeding　observations。

“i　believe　you　will　accept　the　post　i　offer　you；”　said　he；　“and　hold　it　for　a　while：　not　permanently；　though：　any　more　than　i　could　permanently　keep　the　narrow　and　narrowing—the　tranquil；　hidden　office　of　english　country　incumbent；　for　in　your　nature　is　an　alloy　as　detrimental　to　repose　as　that　in　mine；　though　of　a　different　kind。”

“do　explain；”　i　urged；　when　he　halted　once　more。

“i　will；　and　you　shall　hear　how　poor　the　proposal　is；—how　trivial—　how　cramping。　i　shall　not　stay　long　at　morton；　now　that　my　father　is　dead；　and　that　i　am　my　own　master。　i　shall　leave　the　place　probably　in　the　course　of　a　twelve…month；　but　while　i　do　stay；　i　will　exert　myself　to　the　utmost　for　its　improvement。　morton；　when　i　came　to　it　two　years　ago；　had　no　school：　the　children　of　the　poor　were　excluded　from　every　hope　of　progress。　i　established　one　for　boys：　i　mean　now　to　open　a　second　school　for　girls。　i　have　hired　a　building　for　the　purpose；　with　a　cottage　of　two　rooms　attached　to　it　for　the　mistress’s　house。　her　salary　will　be　thirty　pounds　a　year：　her　house　is　already　furnished；　very　simply；　but　sufficiently；　by　the　kindness　of　a　lady；　miss　oliver；　the　only　daughter　of　the　sole　rich　man　in　my　parish—mr。　oliver；　the　proprietor　of　a　needle…　factory　and　iron…foundry　in　the　valley。　the　same　lady　pays　for　the　education　and　clothing　of　an　orphan　from　the　workhouse；　on　condition　that　she　shall　aid　the　mistress　in　such　menial　offices　connected　with　her　own　house　and　the　school　as　her　occupation　of　teaching　will　prevent　her　having　time　to　discharge　in　person。　will　you　be　this　mistress？”