ouch me with the hem of her robes as she passed； who； if ever her dark and imperious eye fell on me by chance； would withdraw it instantly as from an object too mean to merit observation。 i could not unlove him； because i felt sure he would soon marry this very lady—because i read daily in her a proud security in his intentions respecting her—because i witnessed hourly in him a style of courtship which； if careless and choosing rather to be sought than to seek； was yet； in its very carelessness； captivating； and in its very pride； irresistible。
there was nothing to cool or banish love in these circumstances； though much to create despair。 much too； you will think； reader； to engender jealousy： if a woman； in my position； could presume to be jealous of a woman in miss ingram’s。 but i was not jealous： or very rarely；—the nature of the pain i suffered could not be explained by that word。 miss ingram was a mark beneath jealousy： she was too inferior to excite the feeling。 pardon the seeming paradox； i mean what i say。 she was very showy； but she was not genuine： she had a fine person； many brilliant attainments； but her mind was poor； her heart barren by nature： nothing bloomed spontaneously on that soil； no unforced natural fruit delighted by its freshness。 she was not good； she was not original： she used to repeat sounding phrases from books： she never offered； nor had； an opinion of her own。 she advocated a high tone of sentiment； but she did not know the sensations of sympathy and pity； tenderness and truth were not in her。 too often she betrayed this； by the undue vent she gave to a spiteful antipathy she had conceived against little adèle： pushing her away with some contumelious epithet if she happened to approach her； sometimes ordering her from the room； and always treating her with coldness and acrimony。 other eyes besides mine watched these manifestations of character—watched them closely； keenly； shrewdly。 yes； the future bridegroom； mr。 rochester himself； exercised over his intended a ceaseless surveillance； and it was from this sagacity—this guardedness of his—this perfect； clear consciousness of his fair one’s defects— this obvious absence of passion in his sentiments towards her； that my ever…torturing pain arose。
i saw he was going to marry her； for family； perhaps political reasons； because her rank and connections suited him； i felt he had not given her his love； and that her qualifications were ill adapted to win from him that treasure。 this was the point—this was where the nerve was touched and teased—this was where the fever was sustained and fed： she could not charm him。
if she had managed the victory at once； and he had yielded and sincerely laid his heart at her feet； i should have covered my face； turned to the wall； and （figuratively） have died to them。 if miss ingram had been a good and noble woman； endowed with force； fervour； kindness； sense； i should have had one vital struggle with two tigers—jealousy and despair： then； my heart torn out and devoured； i should have admired her—acknowledged her excellence； and been quiet for the rest of my days： and the more absolute her superiority； the deeper would have been my admiration—the more truly tranquil my quiescence。 but as matters really stood； to watch miss ingram’s efforts at fascinating mr。 rochester； to witness their repeated failure—herself unconscious that they did fail； vainly fancying that each shaft launched hit the mark； and infatuatedly pluming herself on success； when her pride and self…placency repelled further and further what she wished to allure—to witness this； was to be at once under ceaseless excitation and ruthless restraint。
because； when she failed； i saw how she might have succeeded。 arrows that continually glanced off from mr。 rochester’s breast and fell harmless at his feet； might； i knew； if shot by a surer hand； have quivered keen in his proud heart—have called love into his stern eye； and softness into his sardonic face； or； better still； without weapons a silent conquest might have been won。
“why can she not influence him more； when she is privileged to draw so near to him？” i asked myself。 “surely she cannot truly like him； or not like him with true affection！ if she did； she need not coin her smiles so lavishly； flash her glances so unremittingly； manufacture airs so elaborate； graces so multitudinous。 it seems to me that she might； by merely sitting quietly at his side； saying little and looking less； get nigher his heart。 i have seen in his face a far different expression from that which hardens it now while she is so vivaciously accosting him； but then it came of itself： it was not elicited by meretricious arts and calculated manoeuvres； and one had but to accept it—to answer what he asked without pretension； to address him when needful without grimace—and it increased and grew kinder and more genial； and warmed one like a fostering sunbeam。 how will she manage to please him when they are married？ i do not think she will manage it； and yet it might be managed； and his wife might； i verily believe； be the very happiest woman the sun shines on。”
i have not yet said anything condemnatory of mr。 rochester’s project of marrying for interest and connections。 it surprised me when i first discovered that such was his intention： i had thought him a man unlikely to be influenced by motives so monplace in his choice of a wife； but the longer i considered the position； education； &c。； of the parties； the less i felt justified in judging and blaming either him or miss ingram for acting in conformity to ideas and principles instilled into them； doubtless； from their childhood。 all their class held these principles： i supposed； then； they had reasons for holding them such as i could not fathom。 it seemed to me that； were i a gentleman like him； i would take to my bosom only such a wife as i could love； but the very obviousness of the advantages to the husband’s own happiness offered by this plan convinced me that there must be arguments against its general adoption of which i was quite ignorant： otherwise i felt sure all the world would act as i wished to act。
but in other points； as well as this； i was growing very lenient to my master： i was forgetting all his faults； for which i had once kept a sharp look…out。 it had formerly been my endeavour to study all sides of his character： to take the bad with the good； and from the just weighing of both； to form an equitable judgment。 now i saw no bad。 the sarcasm that had repelled； the harshness that had startled me once； were only like keen condiments in a choice dish： their presence was pungent； but their absence would be felt as paratively insipid。 and as for the vague something—was it a sinister or a sorrowful； a designing or a desponding expression？— that opened upon a careful observer； now and then； in his eye； and closed again before one could fathom the strange depth partially disclosed； that something which used to make me fear and shrink； as if i had been wandering amongst volcanic…looking hills； and had suddenly felt the ground quiver and seen it gape： that something； i； at intervals； beheld still； and with throbbing heart； but not with palsied nerves。 instead of wishing to shun； i longed only to dare—to divine it； and i thought miss ingram happy； because one day she might look into the abyss at her leisure； explore its secrets and analyse their nature。
meantime； while i thought only of my master and his future bride— saw only them； heard only their discourse； and considered only their movements of importance—the rest of the party were occupied with their own separate interests and pleasures。 the ladies lynn and ingram continued to consort in solemn conferences； where they nodded their two turbans at each other； and held up their four hands in confronting gestures of surprise； or mystery； or horror； according to the theme on which their gossip ran； like a pair of magnified puppets。 mild mrs。 dent talked with good…natured mrs。 eshton； and the two sometimes bestowed a courteous word or smile on me。 sir george lynn； colonel dent； and mr。 eshton discussed politics； or county affairs； or justice business。 lord ingram flirted with amy eshton； louisa played and sang to and with one of the messrs。 lynn； and mary ingram listened languidly to the gallant speeches of the other。 sometimes all； as with one consent； suspended their by…play to observe and listen to the principal actors： for； after all； mr。 rochester and—because closely connected with him—miss ingram were the life and soul of the party。 if he was absent from the room an hour； a perceptible dulness seemed to steal over the spirits of his guests； and his re…entrance was sure to give a fresh impulse to the vivacity of conversation。
the want of his animating influence appeared to be peculiarly felt one day that he had been summoned to millcote on business； and was not likely to return till late。 the afternoon was wet： a walk the party had proposed to take to see a gipsy camp； lately pitched on a mon beyond hay； was consequently deferred。 some of the gentlemen were gone to the stables： the younger ones； together with the younger ladies； were playing billiards in the billiard…room。 the